“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15–17).
The hardest commands are more likely the ones we understand completely but really struggle in accomplishing. I believe that what Jesus says here in this passage is one of those difficult commands because it’s a lot easier to talk about someone than to talk to someone, especially when we feel that we’ve been wronged.
I’ve learned the hard way that talking to someone is, in the long run, the better thing to do … always. There’s never a wrong time to do the right thing.
Many of the problems we endure are self-made: whether we think someone said something negatively about us, or we think they don’t like us — a lot of times these issues are in our own minds. Maybe we misunderstood what someone said, or we took umbrage because of a perceived tone in what they said: “I don’t like the way he said that to me!” Sometimes our immaturity manifests itself in these things.
Again, and always, there’s never a wrong time to do the right thing. And the converse is equally true: There’s never a right time to do the wrong thing.
The key sometimes to walking “in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love” (Eph. 4:1–2) is doing what the Lord commanded in Matthew 18:15 — “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”
By the way, what Jesus said here not a divine suggestion: it is the Lord’s command with how we’re to work together. The point is in gaining one’s brother!
I’m not sure exactly what’s at the heart of our not wanting to talk to one another: maybe it’s pride (where we want to hang onto things to the point we feel justified in our bitterness), or maybe it’s simple foolishness (we just don’t know any better, and don’t want to know or do any better) . We might actually defend ourselves by saying that we don’t want to get hurt; well, apparently, we’re already hurting: and misery loves company. Maybe it’s cowardice (Rev. 21:8).
Again, in my experience, after all is said and done, peace comes by confronting ones fears and talking to someone: the ideal situation would be to do a face-to-face, but sometimes calling and talking will work — it’s a lot more effective than texting or emailing because so much is missed or even read between the lines; when we are able to hear how someone is explaining themselves or talking to us, it leaves a lot less room for dangerous ideas.
In Luke 17:3–4, Jesus said: “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4).
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. … Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:25–27, 29–32).
In nearly every relationship we have in life under the sun, we’re going to find those moments where we test one another. We should realize that it’s not just that we have to be patient with others, but that others are being patient with us. As the apostle Peter put it: “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:8–9).
God is calling us to love — “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. … Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him” (1 John 3:10, 15).
If we truly love our brethren, when they sin against (or we feel they have) then we will be honest enough and kind enough to confront them privately — Jesus said it, that settles it.
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